You Aint Seen Nothing Yet

Everyone’s world seems to be shifting, including mine. I’ve been treading a “misleading” sense of purpose and recently I feel like those illusions have been shattered completely. Life is just changing and leading us all to a higher, greater purpose and path.

Just when you think you have it all figured out, something goes awry-placing you back on a more painful meaningful path. Last night I was cleaning out my bag and came across my security badge for work. By the way, why do the pictures you take for any security badge, license or ID always look so dorky?

This Friday will be my last day working at my current job.  As I held the badge in my hand, I just looked at the person on the front. I don’t even know that person, the person I was just three years ago. I was so driven, yet so lost, so naïve, yet so hopeful.  

And I sat there asked myself how I could be all those things at the same time? I just kept thinking about all the reinvention points of my life and how much I have grown.

I entered Corporate America with ideals I didn’t even know I had at that time, until yesterday.  I was a small person, with big ideas about social corporate responsibility and how I wanted to change the function and roles of people within their jobs to something of great positive impact.

The psychology I knew was not the psychology I studied in school. At the end of my college career, I felt excited to break free and follow my inner yearning to make change in the world, analytics aside.

At the time I was hired, my boss could see that motivation and drive. I was a bit headstrong, and really wanted to “prove” I could advance. In one of the largest institutions for corporate America, I felt like I had hit my mark and would jumpy easily through hoops around the idea of working in such a large corporation. I wanted my big ideas to be heard, to be executed and admired.

As time passed by, I felt exceedingly like a children’s cognitive thinking toy, like a square trying to fit into a triangle; or even much like new software trying to update on an old computer…it just wasn’t going to translate or be understood. I began to realize that my thinking was wired a lot differently, that this world wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say. In place where I thought I could make so much change, I quickly realized that this microcosm of the rest of world, was not ready for that change.

The synergies of what life brings to us at different times can sometimes be humanly confusing. I truly believe that we are tested in our faith, in the question of our own self betrayal. Do we deny ourselves what it is we really truly want, or do we succumb to the opinions of others? Do we allow our own insecurities to ally with our ego? Do we let those thoughts control our choices?

On Monday, I will transition to a new job with the same company. After much thought and consideration, I have taken a step back and realized that all of this is on purpose. What change can I bring to my own local environment? There is strong backbone that continues to allow large corporations to run, factory and warehouse workers, drivers and lower management teams. As we begin to feel the magnitude of our world shifting, unsettled foundations will begin to fall apart. All that will be left is the fundamental and strong backbone of those institutions; the lower level tiered workers.  Those institutions will then have a choice, Will they choose a more meaningful and purposeful way, or will they allow fear to control their decisions, trying to control others with fear and panic?

This past weekend I visited New York City for the first “official” time.  As I walked the city (trying so hard not to look like a tourist) I felt like it was my first day of kindergarten again, a little bit of nervousness mixed with overwhelming feelings of excitement and newness.

As I walked the streets past charming cafes and boutique shops (yes I totally dragged my boyfriend to DASH clothing store; just a small piece of the large Kardashian empire) I felt totally and completely free to dream about the life I wanted to create for myself, and it was really just in that moment that I knew I wanted to take a little piece of that back home with me and share it with others.   

There really is something so magical about New York City. A certain energy and buzz fills the air that you can’t quite identify or define. One of the best things I love about my job at Mind Body Barre™ is what my clients and students teach me. As I shared my thoughts with a student waiting for class, she truly did define just what it was I couldn’t. She said, “The people in New York City have so many hopes and dreams. They believe they can make their dreams come true, and it’s almost like you can feel it when you are there.”  Could she have said it any better?

And just from this weekend, although I can’t put my finger on it, something has shifted internally in a major way. What I once didn’t even know was possible, seems to make so much sense today.

I’ve had people challenging my relationships, my beliefs, and my choices, and I’ve learned that it’s okay. The synergy of others challenging me has allowed me to stand up to the one person I have always deeply struggled with standing up to, myself.

Today I stand firmly, foot to earth, with my roots sewn deeply in the ground. I can hear that old Bachman Turner song You Aint Seen Nothing Yet as my mantra in the background. It’s going to be a long road ahead, but you just wait :) because you aint seen nothin’ yet…

Rest & Relaxation

Thanks to Heather Waxman, who taught at Mind Body Barre on Saturday, I had the best weekend ever; a weekend off and some precious time to regroup and revitalize my overworked body!

Lately I have been exhausted, I mean literally exhausted. I woke up late on Friday, I mean really late. I didn’t even shower (gasp) and sort of rolled out of bed and threw on some borderline inappropriate pajama-like bottoms for work (Hey, it was Friday…)

There’s more. When I got to work I was totally an emotional wreck. I went into the bathroom and cried in the stall, trying to keep my whimpering to a subtle silence. It wouldn’t have been so bad except it was pretty busy in the bathroom on Friday around 10am for some reason (I guess it makes total sense, after 2 cups of coffee my bladder is a goner too…)

There’s good news and bad news.

So there I was, crying in the bathroom on a Friday morning, in my inappropriate pajama-esque work attire (bad news…about the crying and the pants). I wasn’t really sure why I was crying (bad news)? I was probably especially sensitive since I had just got my period (good news, this is always very, very good news…not quite ready for kiddos!)

I was exhausted (bad news) and it was finally catching up to me!

Friday evening proved to get a little bit better, but not without fail unfortunately! I’ve been trying to figure out how to put the outdoor lights at my studio on a timer. After 2 attempts in trying to figure out this timer, it’s still not working! The light stays on for 24 Hours and never shuts off! Defective timer or user error? Has anyone ever used one of these before?

Eating Habits:

Friday’s dinner was delish and a perfect way to end a stressful day, the company wasn’t horrible either. I’d like to take full credit, but all I can take credit for is the salad. (Hey, washing lettuce and slicing tomatoes is HARD WORK). The rest was a Chef Shiz Masterpiece per usual.

Since I’ve become an amateur blogger, I’ve been stalking all the pros and checking out all my favorite food, fitness and fashion blogs. I am totally obsessed with FOR THE LOVE OF KALE. While I’m not a vegan, I’m totally loving all the healthy feel good stuff Heather is blogging about. It’s really got me thinking about what I’ve been eating.

There is no doubt I love food, but I know even as the health enthusiast that I am- I’m totally guilty of devouring overly processed foods, on the go and fast food eating, as well as even eating way more “good” stuff than I should.

Here is some proof through a message to my boyfriend:

 

Saturday got better- I made an appointment for a full body 90 Minute Massage. And OH MY GOD, was it incredible (yes, you should totally be jealous). That night we went out and enjoyed the company of a few friends followed by the perfect family day on Sunday.

I was in such need of recharging my batteries. I’m super glad I decided to take a “me” day. I think I might have gone crazy had I not. I don’t really have anything epic or powerful to say, like I usually seem to (I guess I’m still relaxed!) With the holidays around the corner, I think it’s so incredibly important to give yourself a little retreat.

Now, I feel bad for whoever is taking my class tonight- I’ll be working off those munchkins!

Just for the hell of it….

As many of you may know, I recently moved out of my house into my own apartment.

At first I thought this was going to be pretty awesome, and it was. Being the independent person that I am, I was determined to do this whole “living on my own” thing.

Now, for anyone considering moving out of your house, if you’re not getting married, have just won the lottery or are being forced out because of some weird circumstance, such as an infestation of fleas…well then I have to say I think you’re crazy.

It’s only been 3 months alone and here are a few things I am learning:

You have to check the stove to make sure it’s off every time you leave the house.

If you are going to light a candle, make sure you have just had several cups of coffee. You might fall asleep with them going without the Joe.

If you put chicken in the freezer and take it out to defrost in the refrigerator, is it still good two days later?

Aside from all the cleaning you have to do, scrubbing, dishes (oh, and there is no dishwasher!), vacuuming, dusting and sweeping- you also have to BUY all the cleaning products and paper towels.

Paper towels are expensive.

You have to take the lint out of the dryer catch before putting clothes in the dryer or it could catch on fire.

Make sure the door is locked before you fall asleep at night.

Unfortunately, when you get out of your car at night with a thousand bags in hand, there is no one to open the door for you.

Supermarkets are for families with a household army.  You waste a lot of food.  A lot.

Random side note: I’m not 100% sure but I think my landlord let a real live elephant rent the upstairs.

What do you do with whites that have colors on them? Are they still considered whites?

You have to set aside hundreds of dollars every month that will not go toward a fancy vacation or a new pair of Louboutins.

So, if you are considering moving out, consider those things above. And I’m serious about the Chicken thing, is it still good?

Happy Hump Day!

I Quit!

In the 25 years of my life (I’m a quarter century old!) I’ve been taught to “never give up”, everyone from my peers, teachers, and coaches have taught me this.

I have never been a “quitter”, until now.

Reflecting on the past 5 years of your life can be an incredible way to measure your accomplishments. Time often seems to stand still until you begin to think about how much has happened, changed or occurred over a period of only five years. People change jobs, end relationships, begin new relationships, get married, have children or attain vast and grand achievements.

In my reflection, I have spent so much of my time trying to please others, giving so much of who I am to make other people happy. I can relate to any other woman out there who has had this experience. In giving so much of ourselves, we forget who we are. Mothers spend infinite amounts of time taking care of their families, being the best mother and wife they can be and mistakably lose who they are while doing it.  In relationships, when we open our hearts to share with someone else we run the risk of yes, getting hurt. We give so much of ourselves in the hopes that someone else will reciprocate that love back. Being in love is the most incredible feeling that any human can experience, whether you are in love with your partner, your child or even yourself. I think for most people, finding love within yourself is a journey we are always changing our travel plans for. We are tested in relationships, in use of power and where we will choose to set boundaries.

How many times have you given so much of yourself and been disappointed by another? Herein lies the problem, choosing to give all of yourself is a CHOICE we make. If you are not doing it because you truly want to, you are making those choices looking to please others in hopes of getting some sort of approval back.

I am guilty myself! I can’t tell you how many times I have went out of my way to please someone, only doing it in hopes of a response of approval, in everything from my job to my relationships with friends and family. It musters up old wounds from childhood, always trying to be liked by my peers and exhausting myself with thoughts of disapproval. I just wanted to be loved.

There are times when I realize that those childhood scars are still there, and they remind me of sadness and hurt. I never wanted to believe that having an “absent” father affected me. Although he was there on special occasions, birthdays and holidays, he wasn’t the most dependable role model in my life. My choices in romantic relationships from there on out only seemed to be a reflection of the male figures in my life. I would choose men who were emotionally unavailable, literally unavailable or just completely lacking spirituality and emotional luster. I would dive so head on into the relationship that I would completely lose who I was, taking on the identity of “_______’s Girlfriend”.  In my efforts to feel loved, I would take drastic measures to get attention, everything from dramatic meltdowns, to lying about things, to acting weak and defeated.  Sounds so attractive right?

Opening your heart can be a wonderful, beautiful and healing thing, to the right person. But every so often, past hurts (that undeniably make us who we are) can reappear in brilliant disguise, even in the most secure and true relationships (and they will continue to reappear until you have learned and understood those lessons). A good relationship has challenges to work through and opportunities to evolve spiritually together.

I continue to look for balance in everything. I am amazed when I can learn something new from the people that walk into my life. Just the other day a woman visited my wellness studio and we came to a conversation about balance. She told me that to her, balance is not about perfect amounts of equality in different areas of our lives. She told me to imagine it like walking on a tight-rope, you are constantly using different muscles to sway back and forth, as not to fall. Balance is not still and at rest, it is constant flow of the energies by asking yourself, “What is it that I need?”

Today I have asked myself, what is it that I need?  The answer is an open wound I put a band-aid on so long ago in all of my empty relationships. I do believe I have traveled far into the process of healing, but I have not completed the journey, like I so confidently believed.

So today, I have decided I need to quit the part of me that has held on to the notion of NEEDING to have a good relationship, of giving all of me up. It means I will have to be willing to walk away, because I am worth having what it is I desire.  It means I must trust that these lessons will either grow my relationships stronger, or allow them to fall away if they must. It means I’m in hot pursuit of my passion and purpose. It means I know what feels good and what doesn’t. It means I value my time, my energy, and myself.

So, what are you doing that doesn’t feel good anymore? What are you ready to let go of that no longer serves who you are? Declare your ‘Quits’ here!

My Eventual Demise

In the last moments of my life, I will look back and not think of how much I weighed, if I had a pimple on my face when I was on a date with the hottest guy in school- if I drove a nice car, had a beautifully landscaped yard, if I made enough money, had enough status, power, or recognition. In the end, all that will matter to me is that I have those who I loved so loyally there with me, holding my hand with reciprocal love.

“Visualize your eventual demise. It can have an amazing effect on how you live for the moment.”

This is one of the many quotes on my lululemon manifesto on my desk at work.

All that matters in this lifetime is that I live with honest intention. I want to tell each of you that the scribbled crayon on construction paper you gave your mom and dad, the picture you framed and put by the bedside, or the little note you left in your spouse’s lunch this morning, gives more power, status and recognition than anything you could possibly imagine.

A few things happened this week that saddened and disappointed me; I couldn’t understand the complexity of the layers of emotion involved, nor was I even aware that those layers existed to begin with.

The other day was the most beautiful, perfect, fall rainy day. The air was so calm and crisp. The ground was a wet pile of leaves and the trees were whispering secrets of old time (I sound like my crazy mother who talks to trees…) Nonetheless it made me dream of the day where my job is to wake up and drive to a Starbucks with my laptop while I work on writing my book. In sharing this dream with a coworker, I sort of just got a chuckle, a bit of an eye-roll and a comment that I let extend too far into the energy of my emotions, “Yea, but you would want to get published, and paid…” as to say, “That is sort of an outlandish dream…”

I’m sure many of you have been hearing about this new Miss Representation film which explores how the media’s misrepresentation of women has led to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence. Well, I watched it last night on the OWN network and I have to say it was truly a powerful reminder of how far we still have to go in creating radical change in our lives and society.

And so you are probably asking what these two things have to do with each other? I wasn’t so sure myself about why I felt so sad and grief stricken over such simple ideas. What I discovered in the process was that even in the most uncomplicated ideas, there are actually layers of complexity- like the chemical makeup of the air we so effortlessly breathe everyday.

What these two things meant for me encapsulate the idea that we still live a fear based world, where people are afraid to live out their most desired dreams and acknowledge that each of us is internally beautiful, special, significant and most importantly-powerful. There is a large and vast misuse of power in the world and there is still a misunderstanding regarding the difference of power in the sense of control and fear as opposed to personal power. One is fear and one is love.

In perspective of the shift in energy that is coming our way, greater, stronger, and more majestic and prevailing than ever before- it is really no surprise that movements such as this trailer preceding the shift of awareness are emotionally draining and saddening inside. Indeed I need to look at how this affects me personally, and what I can do to help make positive change.

There is so much complexity to this topic that I could literally write a book on this one subject, but in brief- some of our greatest teachers and contenders who have sought out with intentions to bring together and unite the world are just one small scratch on the surface. According the United States Census bureau, currently the world’s population is estimated to be about 7 billion.

Could you imagine for a moment how capable we are of raising the vibration of our planet simply by shifting our intentions? Now can you imagine how incredibly capable we are of raising that vibration with 7 billion people?

Imagine what you can do, and do it- because in your last moments- all that will matter is the amount of love you have inside your heart and how much of it you shared with the world.

Practicing Gratitude-Again.

So a friend sent me a link to an exercise where you are supposed to write down all the things you have accomplished.

As you put together your dream business, consider this exercise from “The Answer”: Make an inventory list of all of your achievements so far, some moments in your past when you experienced the feeling of absolute triumph, whether public in front of hundreds, or privately that no one knows about but you. Include graduations, physical challenges and goals, family, learning musical instruments, etc. in addition to business accomplishments. This will help you recognize your own strengths and capacities objectively. By identifying your unique mix of abilities and passions, you open up a pathway to express yourself in a way that is extraordinary.

In honor of moving with the energy I am going to allow the universe a day or two to catch up with my constant dreams and manifestations.

Here is everything I can think of:

8th Grade: In eighth grade going into my Freshman Year of High School I tried out for the cheerleading team with absolutely no self confidence. With the encouragement of some senior girls (Thank you Becky (Beaton) Bramwell) I decided to also consider auditioning for a Varsity spot along with a JV spot (said the girl who had no idea what she was doing…at all).

The day the sheet was posted in the middle school hallway, I knew it would probably be the worst day of my life-Rejection was brewing. I looked at the JV list, and of course my name wasn’t on it. So… I walked away pretending not to care and suddenly heard girls start to congratulate me. Somehow, someway, I was chosen for Varsity-which still to this day sort of boggles my mind. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was one of the best feelings as a young girl.

2004: I graduated high school. It’s remarkable how much our lives change since high school. I remember thinking I had it all figured out. That feeling had it’s brevity.

2006: Again, for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to audition for world renowned football cheerleading team, The Patriots. It was laughable, and I remember seeing Ashley Van Gerven and Meghan Paxton and thinking they were the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Intimidation at it’s finest.

Needless to say, I did not make it. Some people don’t know that, I had to work really hard- I couldn’t dance, and I probably needed a lesson on how to apply makeup correctly. I took the rejection and turned it into an insane drive. One year later I had made the team. In my experience as an NFL Ambassador, I have traveled literally all around the world, performed in front of thousands of people, partied with Hugh Hefner at the Superbowl (kind of…haha) met the most incredible people and built the most long lasting friendships.

2008: I graduated college.
2009: I started working at my first real job.

Bad Relationships: Luckily, I have never experienced anything too horrible other than my own self worth issues. I carried on a not-so-good-idea relationship for 3 years. Somehow I thought this was okay, and I refused to look at how it was affecting me mentally and spiritually. Sometimes people ask me if I feel guilty about the relationship. The answer is obviously yes. But I am now far past that guilt and I feel more compelled to heal the energy associated with the family. I do what I can do in my own way to let go of the guilt and only send healing on a more spiritual level between myself and the family.

The reason I am thankful for these is because it has allowed me to make change and break the pattern. I consider it a huge accomplishment.

2011: Opening Mind Body Barre!

And there are a million more things!

Ok, that was good for gratitude. Now your turn.

Pulling Gratitude Out of Your A$$

Certainly not the most endearing title for this post, but nonetheless my motto today (even according to my birth chart this week) is authenticity, not a time for diplomacy or tact.

If I could describe the past year and a half in terms of adventure and undertaking new beginnings I would say, “Cowabunga dude, it’s been real…”

With an amazing new (now old!) relationship, a new business venture and growth of Mind Body Barre Fitness & Healing Studio, and now the first step out of the nest to my own new digs (coming shortly in the next month) for all of those things yes I am grateful.

But I am unquestionably a human being (I know you are thinking, what? Does she think she is some magical sorceress or something?) and from time to time I let my miserable thoughts get the better of me.

I have learned undoubtedly the hard way in terms of work. For over 6 months I have been looking for a new job. When I went into college I had the mindset of my Psychology degree helping, and creatively advising people to launch their lives into “complete soul searching and enlightenment of who they uniquely are.”

And yet for some reason, when I exited my fourth year of statistical data and research design, I was tainted like the rest of society, I felt sudden terror and pandemonium to find myself a job that PAID with HEALTH BENEFITS and I didn’t care what it was.

So here I am 3 years later, with my paid and health benefits job, answering to VPs as their administrative assistant. Yes, I data entry corporate bullshit and smile when they ask me to schedule a meeting. Underneath my smile is big, “I can’t wait to get a new job so I can tell all of you to shove it…”

I know, I am so completely negative. I feel like my energies are drained, my vibration is so low here. I’m a 3 life path, creative, brilliant (that’s what the book says, so don’t get all ‘she’s so into herself’ on me…) excellent writer (DUH) communicator, advisor and lover of limelight (no surprise here)

So how does one fit into a 9-5 desk job? One doesn’t. I’ve been going through the same thing I believe that most of you feel. When I apply for jobs and use my networks I see the email strings, “Does she have experience in fundraising?” “Is she qualified to write articles?” “Has she done sales before?” “Can she stand on her head and do eight jumping jacks at the same time?”

Yep. This is the problem with the world, people who seem to believe that some piece of paper makes them who they are. (I’m not talking about the medical field because I do understand there are some jobs that you can’t just waltz into…) What frustrates me is that our talents and abilities do not come from some piece of paper, they come from inside and we rely too heavily on logic and analysis. If some person would just lovingly feel and connect with my energy, they would understand.

I feel this way when I meet people at jobs they shouldn’t be at. It pains me to feel their suffering. There are people who are just so utterly talented that aren’t being recognized because some piece of paper doesn’t say they won 5 gold medals.

I’m going ahead and just putting it out there. I know I’m talented, extremely capable and versatile enough to work someplace that admires my creative soul, my yearning to advance, achieve and advise others. Spotlight, communication, and creativity- those things are important to me.

The “Shift” is going to flat out knock some people right on their asses. So here is a bit of advice to you: Do not underestimate the ability, talent or power that someone has. If they truly are meant to be there, they will shine brighter than the Light of Luxor on the Vegas Strip.

I was talking to a friend today and this was his advice on staying positive and having gratitude:

“When the time is right you will get the new job. Be grateful for what you have right now, and the Universe will give you something to be even more grateful for. Keep your vibration of energy high. Envision your perfect situation. And then release it to the Universe…”

Needless to say I want to strangle him. But undeniably, he is right. Sometimes you really just need to trust it, and pull it out of your a$$ when it’s nowhere to be found.

So, I’m trusting it…. and letting it go….soon….right….now.